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Are you a Mean Mom | with Rachel Martin | MomCave LIVE

• Jennifer Weedon MomCave with Rachel Martin

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Hello, fearless listeners of MomCave LIVE! Today, we've lured the mastermind behind 'The Brave Art of Motherhood' out from the trenches of teen negotiations and tantrum filled epicenters. Forget the usual author intro; we're here to chat about the messy, marvelous world of momming, where the only plot twist is figuring out who hid the remote. So, grab your coffee, lock the bathroom door (if you can), and let's embark on a hilarious journey through the pages of motherhood with the one and only Rachel Martin!

@findingjoyblog
@finding_joy

Get Rachel's Books here:
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Mom Enough: https://amzn.to/476gBIR

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Transcript:
Jen: So welcome to MomCave LIVE, where we may have lost our minds, but we haven't lost our senses of humor. I'm Jen from MomCave. Every week, I have a guest with me. This week, I have someone I'm going to make appear on the screen like magic. Tada!

Rachel Martin: Here I am.

Jen: There she is, from behind the curtain. Rachel Martin, otherwise known in all the places as Finding Joy. Yes?

Rachel Martin: That is true. People actually think my name is Joy.

Jen: That's kind of cute. It would have been really cool if your name was Joy, but

Rachel Martin: It would have been, but then I'm like, am I finding myself? But I guess that's the story. So.

Jen: Right, right. So, we're gonna talk about your books, and we're going to talk about a bunch of things and hang out. Anyone who's here and wants to talk with us in the comments, just pop in. The most you had a post go viral a while back. We're just talking about how we were in the OG mommy blogger years.

Rachel Martin: That's right.

Jen: What was the title of that post?..

Read More Here: https://www.momcavetv.com/mean-mom-a-subtle-but-powerful-art-momcave-live

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

So welcome to MomCave LIVE, where we may have lost our minds, but we haven't lost our senses of humor. I'm Jen from MomCave. And every week I have a guest with me. And this week I have, I'm going to make her appear on the screen like magic. Tada,

Rachel Martin:

Here I am.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

There she is, from behind the curtain. Rachel Martin, who is otherwise known in all the places as finding joy. Yes?

Rachel Martin:

That is true. People actually think my name is Joy.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

That's kind of cute, it would be live would have been really cool. If your name was joy, but

Rachel Martin:

It would have been it would have been but then I'm like, am I finding myself, but I guess that's the story. So.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Right, right. So we're gonna talk about your books, and we're going to talk about a bunch of things and hang out and anybody who's here and wants to talk with us in the comments just pop in um the most you had a post go viral A while back, we're just talking about how we were like in the OG mommy blogger years.

Rachel Martin:

That's right

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

And what was the title of that post? About mean moms?

Rachel Martin:

Oh, you know, I don't even know, I think I probably titled it like, I'm the mean mom, and I'm okay with it. That sounds like

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Mhm

Rachel Martin:

what I would have titled it.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Mhm

Rachel Martin:

So I'm gonna just go with that.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Okay,

Rachel Martin:

I'm gonna say it was

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

I like it.

Rachel Martin:

Yes

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Yeah, something along those lines. I'm a mean mom. And that's totally fine.

Rachel Martin:

Right.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

So we thought we would talk a little bit about that. And what being a mean mom means and all all of that. So hop in the comments, and let us know why your kids think you're a mean mom. Rachel, what is the most crazy reason your children have ever called you a mean, mom?

Rachel Martin:

Probably. It's always limits. It's always when I set a limit on

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Mhm

Rachel Martin:

Hands down. I can't think of any other time. It's when I say the two words and the well two letters. N O

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Two letters. That Big Word

Rachel Martin:

It is it's a big word. And it's, it's, you know, it's those limits. But I always tell my kids those limits. The limits are there because I love them.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Right

Rachel Martin:

Bottom line, bottom line, or I also love myself. I know I can't do everything.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Yeah. One, I asked my kids just like about an hour ago, we were having dinner. And I asked them why I was a mean mom. And they had countless reasons really

Rachel Martin:

nice. That's nice that they listed them.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Yeah. So there was no lack of reasons. But my eight year olds biggest reason was that when she gets home from school, the first thing I make her do is empty out her lunchbox.

Rachel Martin:

Oh

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Before she can play.

Rachel Martin:

Yes, Hallelujah, to that because I have a one that if it doesn't get emptied on Monday morning, I'm like, Dude, you have to be the one to open this because opening it. It's just it's like a thermos. It's it's bad. It's bad. It's bad. And then like the whole dishwasher experiences the bad. So all morning, I'm like, Oh, I don't even want to open it.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Right.

Rachel Martin:

So I'm with you there.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Totally

Rachel Martin:

That's not mean,

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Thats not mean

Rachel Martin:

that's like, practical.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

That's very practical. It's saving everybody a lot of headache down the road.

Rachel Martin:

Right? Right. You're saving like when people come in like that moment of awkwardness of whats that smell

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

What is that smell in this house. I'm sure there are other smells in my house. But luckily, it's not a lunchbox.

Rachel Martin:

That is true. That's so true.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Last Friday, my my son who's 13 He did not empty his lunchbox on Friday. And so last Sunday night when he was getting ready to pack his lunch he realized it and it was so gratifying because he opened it up. He was like, I can't do it. I can't do it mom, and I made him do it. And he was he was literally dry heaving and

Rachel Martin:

Right

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

totally got it. I just hopefully he will remember that in the future.

Rachel Martin:

I think they do. I mean I actually I believe that's how they learn. I have this story of my oldest so I used to live in Minnesota. I live in Nashville now which everybody thinks is the coolest but it is cool. I'm gonna say it's super cool. But when I lived in Minnesota and my one of my oldest was young, it gets sub zero there with Windchill where you're where I would tell my kids like if you go outside put a smile on your face because it's gonna freeze.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Yeah.

Rachel Martin:

Anyway, we're at I think it was Kohl's back in Kohl's prime you know, heyday shopping days and I was there. And I said you need to put your coat on right now and maybe she was three four. She refused. I kept saying you need to put your coat on. No, no, it was and it turned out being this tantrum kind of experience in Kohl's. So then I said, if you don't put your coat on, I will not let you put your coat on until you're in the car. So

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

that was good, clever.

Rachel Martin:

Yes. So then, you know Kohl's it's was much like moms like me and also bless them 80 plus year old women that were in there so as I'm pulling taking my child out into the subzero they see her without the coat. And I'm like, just trying to teach a lesson just trying to teach a lesson. And I remember walking painfully slow, because I knew she'd be fine. But after that the rest of the winter and from that moment on, always a coat. Always a coat. Let me put my coat on, never argued.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Well, it worked. See,

Rachel Martin:

It did

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

being mom. What do you remember any time that you particularly thought your parents were mean, you had a mean, mom?

Rachel Martin:

Yeah, yeah. I mean, I, I love my parents a lot. Now in every book that I write, I tell them how much I love them. I tried to include them to pay back for that.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Right?

Rachel Martin:

I don't remember the specifics, always. But I just I feel like it was like it was always linked to limits, like I would want to do something I would want to stay up late. I would want to do whatever it was. And when they would say no, I would push back. And that's part of childhood is figuring out what's the limit.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Right

Rachel Martin:

But that's where that's where me and my it was really my mom and I we would just butt heads into the place where my dad would walk in and he would always give us warning that he was coming. Like you could hear the footsteps or the something moving. So I always knew like, Get your act together. Get it together right now.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Yes

Rachel Martin:

Yeah. Yeah, he was good at that. He was he was he was a master at that.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Oh, wow. Yeah, um, I think in my family, I'm like, the bad guy. I'm the bad cop.

Rachel Martin:

Really?

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

More

Rachel Martin:

Nice

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

sometimes? I don't know. Yeah. So they they definitely think I'm meaner than daddy. No.

Rachel Martin:

Okay

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

questions about it. And I would love to hear some other people's reasons that they are mean. So you can you can let us know in the comments. That I think the number one reason I'm a mean, mom, and this one, I actually do truly actually feel guilty for this one.

Rachel Martin:

Okay.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

I will not let my family get a dog.

Rachel Martin:

Oh, you're talking to someone that just got a dog. So I get it. I get it. Because my husband and I both the other day, we're like, what were we thinking? So I get it?

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Yeah. I know my limits. As you say, I know my bandwidth. We travel a ton. House is a disaster as it is. And we also rent our house. Like we live in a sort of ski area. So we rent our house out a lot on Airbnb. And it's hard enough keeping it clean. I can't imagine adding a living, breathing canine to the chaos.

Rachel Martin:

Well, I can imagine and I did have that moment, just two days ago of what were we thinking? Because we do like to travel. I mean, there is it's there's a lot of limits in there that it brings. It's unconditional love. So you could be the mean mom and somebody will still unconditionally love you.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Oh the dog will still love you.

Rachel Martin:

Yeah

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

The dog won't think you're mean.

Rachel Martin:

Never, never.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

No, no. Do you think that it's more different stages of childhood that this whole like your mean mommy thing happens?

Rachel Martin:

I think it's Yeah, I would say it's phases to me. It's like, when they're littler. It's over more ridiculous things. But as they get older, it's definitely because they want more freedom.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Yeah

Rachel Martin:

And it's really, it's tough because I get it because all of a sudden, you know most of history. You're 16 17 18 you're on your own. And now we're like you guys, you're not on your own yet. You're kind of really an adult. But here you go do your homework and do all this stuff. And so I feel like there's that tension where they want the freedom. And then you know, they're stuck in a framework, the school system or whatever it is where they don't really have it all yet.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Right. Right. So like physically, they've

Rachel Martin:

Right

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

matured and yeah, like out in the wild,

Rachel Martin:

we hope so. Right?

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Out in the wild they could be,

Rachel Martin:

Right

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

you know, running around and having babies but they'd also be fighting saber toothed tigers, and we are

Rachel Martin:

Correct

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

protecting them from all of that

Rachel Martin:

Correct. And we provide food because they're all very excited no matter what age when I come back from the grocery store. Because inevitably, Thursday we always do grocery shopping on Sunday, inevitably, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, I started to hear the rumblings of like, are you gonna go to the store again? Like like we've never gone before? Like it's almost panic like,

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Like they're starving

Rachel Martin:

or right exactly, exactly. They're just not choosing what's in the pantry.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Exactly. It's yeah, it might as well not exist if that's not something they want to eat.

Rachel Martin:

Right Taki's

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Oh my goodness. My My daughter just discovered those um yeah, I've taken to having to hide some things like oh, we do too. Yeah, okay, good. I know I'm I mean mom in my desk here in my working area. There is a drawer and there are certain snacks in there that hopefully, They'll find them eventually but for now, they don't know where those are. Because otherwise

Rachel Martin:

We have them hidden because otherwise come Monday we start hearing are you going to the grocery store?

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Yeah,

Rachel Martin:

because it's like feeding frenzy. And then there's nothing left. So yeah, there's there's there's spots. Some spots.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

So there's that's a reason that they think that we're mean. But in reality, we're really just like making sure that that their food lasts all week.

Rachel Martin:

So true. That's so true. Or at least it's, it's food that they want to have at the end of the week,

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Right. Right.

Rachel Martin:

But now my kids because they'll label everything. So like in the refrigerator, if somebody doesn't finish, if you don't label, it's a free for all.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Yeah, totally

Rachel Martin:

go in there. And there's like, post it notes and different things so that people know, that is that person's, and actually, I labeled stuff too, like, mine don't touch,

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

do they respect the label, I feel like I could write anything on there. And if the kid wants it, they're gonna take it,

Rachel Martin:

there's a mutual respect for the label. Because if there wasn't, they know, then their stuff is fair game. So there is a definite mutual respect. It's like the dividing line. It's like the little thing that you put on the line at the grocery store the little

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Yes,

Rachel Martin:

Between each others. It's like that type of respect, or the cones that you put in traffic, the label, nobody messes with the label, it's pretty much law.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

I like that. I like that.

Rachel Martin:

Yeah It's good its good

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

mean Mom, things. Is there anything that you do like any mean mom move you've made that you didn't think before you have kids, you will be that mom.

Rachel Martin:

So my daughter, Grace, she's a she's 22 now. She loves to tell this story of like, like, it's actually she tells it in such a way where I still feel bad. But I don't have a lot of pay. I don't have patience for lines, I'm just going to put it out there. I don't have paid, I will inevitably choose the wrong grocery line, I will choose the wrong line and traffic. If I go to Starbucks, there'll be a line. And so my kids will know I have no patience. And there's this time when she was made. I mean, she was a teenager. So she, by this point knows I don't like lines, and don't have patience. And we're in northern Minnesota. And it was this summer, and we're going back to the cabin. And I said, Well, let's get let's get Dairy Queen, you know, a nice long thing. So I go to the small town, Dairy Queen, and the line. It's ridiculous. I'm like, I can see that they're slow. They're behind. So I waited a little bit and I turned to them. I said, You know what, this line is too long. Let's just get let's just get ice cream at the grocery store.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Yeah,

Rachel Martin:

to this day, she will tell you can you believe that time it broke my heart she like dramatize it.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Oh, ohhh

Rachel Martin:

But I mean, those are the things like some of the little quote unquote mean things. They're not really that they I think the kids like them because they now they it's like one of those things where they can laugh at like, Oh, don't go to Dairy Queen. Mom won't wait.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Right now they have like a story and they commiserate.

Rachel Martin:

They do

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

other about how mean you are

Rachel Martin:

Like I forgot about it. And then she starts telling it and everybody else in the cars like oh, yeah, remember that it was a tragedy. I'm like are you kidding me. She's like, I was planning on this blizzard and I had all these things. And I was ready to go and nope, here you are no patience just zip that car right out of there.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Well, it sounds like you must have been a pretty good mom. Overall, if the most traumatizing thing that

Rachel Martin:

Yeah

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

your 22 year old if she didn't get Dairy Queen?

Rachel Martin:

Probably I would like to think that I would like to think that the boundaries that we set actually help the relationship is because they know we're that safe person that to me is the bottom line is it's not because trying to be mean, I'm trying to do that. It's just I tell them like, I have X number of years experience on you guys. And I love you so much that I know that this is the boundary.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Right? Right. There's a lot with my 13 year old. There's a lot of the sort of like, Yep, I know. I felt exactly that same way. Nope, that doesn't change my mind.

Rachel Martin:

Right? It's rough, though. It is rough. Because you look and oh, it's just you. I don't like that part. I don't because I well, just as my own thing, I hate it when people are mad at me. So then I'm like, they know that too. So they know like so then I'm like, Oh, they kind of you know, feed that part. And I'm like, okay.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

That's just one of the challenges that we put up with people being mad at us. Literally people that live with us are often mad.

Rachel Martin:

Yes, they are. Oh, and it's crazy. When boy, I think back to when they were preschoolers and how mad they could be like it was the end of the world when it was bedtime.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Right?

Rachel Martin:

Like now my kids were like, Oh, can I just go to bed?

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Yeah,

Rachel Martin:

but when they were little

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

How Dare you

Rachel Martin:

Yeah

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Ruin their lives.

Rachel Martin:

Right, to get some sleep?

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Well, and now we would just kill for some sleep.

Rachel Martin:

Right.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Can you tell everybody that's watching about your the new book that you have out?

Rachel Martin:

So before you and I went live, we were talking about how we've been online for a long time. And I was been I've been writing my site finding joy since like 2009. And in about 2011 I started writing letters to moms because one time I wrote something my mom wrote back Like, I love what you're writing, but I feel like I'm failing as a mom. And I was like, well, she feels like she's failing. I often feel that way too. So I wrote a letter back, but it was it was, and I was getting ready to send it. And her email address was anonymous. So I ended up publishing it. And that was the first thing that went really, really viral. And all these moms were like, Oh, my gosh, that's me, too. I have a messy sink, too. It was back when social media was perfect. Like.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Oh Yes the olden days

Rachel Martin:

Yeah. And so I just I started writing letters, I, my website became letters, like when they were little.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Oh neat

Rachel Martin:

And as I was going through different things, or as I learned to, like, take care of my own self again. And what happened is, I have been writing another book right now. And my publisher was like, you know, everybody's been asking for these letters. And I'm like, Yes, they'd want them in book form. Because that's the number one request I get. And they're like, well, either we pay attention to the universe, or we ignore it. So we took all the letters, and I put them all together in a book. And that's what it is. And I really, I mean, I'm super, super proud of it. And I love it because it's a collection of like, long term motherhood moments that as a writer, I don't think I could go back and write with the same rawness of what it's like to have a preschooler as I did at that moment,

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Yes. So it's amazing.

Rachel Martin:

Yeah,

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

You guys have to check it out. I will put the link to that in the description or the comments when when we're offline. But where can they find it? It's on Amazon Of course.

Rachel Martin:

It's on Amazon, Books a Million, Barnes and Noble and always like your local bookseller. I'm a big proponent of really supporting them too. So it's there and yeah, Mom enough, right there.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Mom enough, you guys. We are all mom enough. Amen. Go continue being a mean mom. And when you feel bad about it, grab that book mom enough. It was great talking to you, Rachel. I'm gonna go be mean and put kids to bed very well.

Rachel Martin:

I actually joke about bedtime because I used to sing. You know, it's the most wonderful time of the year song. Christmas when I would sing. It's the most wonderful time of the day in my head for sometimes because you just need a break.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Sometimes we just got to get to there. Okay, well, it's so good talking to you. Thanks for watching, everybody. Thank you.