MomCave LIVE

Doing it ALL | Dr. Whitney Casares | MomCave Live

• Jennifer Weedon MomCave / Whitney Casares

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 Hey, crazy parents of the MomCave universe! Tonight, we've snagged the superhero of sanity herself, Dr. Whitney Casares, to unravel the mysteries of "Doing it ALL." Yes, folks, she's the wizard who knows how to balance parenting, work, and probably a secret side hustle as a ninja. If you've ever wondered how to manage the chaos without losing your mind, stick around. We're about to dive into the magical world of parenting with Dr. Whitney Casares and her soon-to-be legendary book. Buckle up, because this is MomCave LIVE.

Find Dr. Whitney on:

Instagram: @modernmommydoc (32k followers)

LinkedIn: in/whitneycasares

Facebook: @modernmommydoc

Modern Mommy Doc Website: here

Buy Doing It All: here


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Read the transcript below:

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo  0:14  

Welcome to MomCave LIVE, where we may have lost our minds. But we have not lost our sense of humor. And we're live tonight with a very fun guest. I'm going to bring her on. Tada. Welcome Dr. Witt. All right. 


Dr Whitney Casares  0:30  

Thank you so much. 


Jennifer Weedon Palazzo  0:32  

You're very welcome. When I saw the title of your book that's about to come out, I thought that we have to have you to come on right away, because I need you, we need you. The title is doing, doing it all doing it all: Stop over functioning and become the mom and the person that you are meant to be. So, I think a lot of us can identify with this over the over functioning, the overwhelm..

Read More at: https://www.momcavetv.com/doing-it-all-overcome-over-functioning-dr-whitney-casares-momcave-live/






Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Welcome to MomCave LIVE, where we may have lost our minds. But we have not lost our sense of humor. And we're live tonight with a very fun guest. I'm going to bring her on. Tada. Welcome Dr. Witt. All right.

Dr Whitney Casares:

Thank you so much.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

You're very welcome. When I saw the title of your book that's about to come out, I thought that we have to have you to come on right away, because I need you, we need you. The title is doing, doing it all doing it all: Stop over functioning and become the mom and the person that you are meant to be. So, I think a lot of us can identify with this over the over functioning, the overwhelm. And so I thought we could just talk about that a little tonight. Whitney just tell me a little bit of what started? What got you into this idea of writing this book? And how do you know?

Dr Whitney Casares:

Exactly. Okay, so first of all, the reason that I wrote the book, it's not that I was born, like the most skilled at being able to juggle all the things and not be stressed out as a mom, it's because I kind of earned my stripes the hard way. So I'm actually trained as a pediatrician, went to Stanford, went to Berkeley and got my public health degree in maternal and child health. So book wise, I kind of knew all the answers as to what parents should be doing, and moms specifically, to be able to really take care of their kids the best possible and also when things really influenced in a family, how kids don't do well. But when I had my own daughter, my first daughter, it became much more real, my oldest daughter has autism, she's 10 years old now. And so that push and pull of kind of trying to do work as hard as possible, trying to do life as hard as possible, trying to be a good mom, it just nothing was by the book. And I had to kind of reimagine what life was. And really, I think the main thing is, and the crux of the book is reprioritize, like what matters the most to me, and what matters the most to me as a parent, in terms of raising kids that will succeed in life. And by succeed, I do not mean Harvard, I mean, succeed in terms of like, be the type of person people want to be around, like themselves be able to pay for their own therapy, all that good stuff. So. So I so the book was born out of all of these challenges and journeys that I went through as myself as a mom. But then also when I saw all these moms in my clinical practice struggling with too. And so I developed this foundational kind of framework that now I use with moms all across the nation, that helps them really to figure out what matters most. And how do I spend more time doing that stuff?

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

And less time and energy and all the other stuff? That doesn't matter? Like? Yeah, because it feels like all those other things take up so much time. And, but yet, if we stop over functioning and doing it all, who else is going to do it? Right? That's how we feel. How do you answer that? Who else is gonna do it?

Dr Whitney Casares:

Yeah, totally. Well, okay. To me, there's actually four things that you can do with all the stuff that comes at you as a mom. Okay, number one is, you're gonna write it down. Yes, get some notes, get some notes. Okay, so number one is you can do it with more efficiency or effectiveness. So this is like, as a pediatrician, I have to write notes. And I have to write emails, right. So how can I do that without taking up as much time as I need to? How do I create systems? How do I create algorithms? How do I create templates for things, right, so and that's what a lot of people when they talk about getting more stuff done on your list, that's where they focus. The problem is, those things are great. But if you don't have other strategies, as well, you're just gonna get everything done faster and easier. And then if you're functioning, just gonna add more stuff to your list, and do it faster and easier and have even more resentment.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Yeah, totally. I identify with the statement. Yeah, so if you have any questions or comments about what Dr. Whitney is talking about, please just pop in the comments because we're watching them and she will answer your questions, um, that's a really good point you made just there because for me, and for a lot of my friends that are moms, it's like you feel like you're always behind. So if you catch up a little on something, then you're like But I have all these other things on behind. It doesn't mean catch up and non caught up and I get to relax a little. It means do more things.

Dr Whitney Casares:

Yeah, exactly. And sometimes when you're in the rhythm of doing more things all the time constantly and gogogo mode as a mom, it actually starts to feel really bad when you're not doing anything. So I don't know if you've noticed that, I definitely see the mom but see to myself that like when there's dead space, then you figure out even more stuff do.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Right Yeah. And I'm sure that some of that has to do with like sitting and just being with our emotions, or whatever's going on in life, you have to like, you don't have the distraction of the busyness. But for me, I'm also very visually stimulated. So if I sit down on the sofa, in the middle of my house, I can my eyes will take in 500 things that need to be done, right. So it is really, really hard to relax. What kind of ways have you helped moms learn to relax?

Dr Whitney Casares:

Yeah, so I actually think your point about being in your house is totally for so many moms. So if you need to get out of your house to be able to get more done. Like I do so much better work at a coffee shop. If I'm writing, for example, I really cannot do that very effectively at my house unless I'm editing something I've already written. If I'm trying to be creative, I have to do it. Not at my home. So I'll go someplace.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

My phone ringing so hopefully someone upstairs, will get it.

Dr Whitney Casares:

So that's one tip. The other thing is to think about, what is in your actual home environment? What stuff do you need to take away to make it so that you have less that you need to focus on? Like, what do you need to declutter? So actually, that's one of the other strategies you can use in your life, is to physically declutter your space, and to declutter your calendar. So sometimes as moms, we'll put stuff on our calendar, like, it's even like a nail appointment, or a hair appointment, or whatever, like in the name of kind of like selfcare, or doing stuff, or will join the volunteer PTA thing, because we want to make sure that we're contributing. And some of that stuff is great. If it's like, on your heart, you care so deeply about the PTA.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Right?

Dr Whitney Casares:

If you don't, it's okay to take a look at your physical space and your calendar and say, What are these things do I have here out of guilt, or because I feel bad to get rid of it, like, or I feel obligated, maybe someone else is telling me I should do it. So that can be a way to really focus in and to have less of that distraction and be able to focus, relax. And the third thing I would say is, practice makes perfect. So if you're someone who's used to running at really high gear all the time, sometimes what you have to do to get yourself into the rhythm of it. And this was true for me, like during the holiday break, for example, you know, I came off a really busy season, and then I had to relax that I say like, Okay, I'm just gonna sit here for 30 seconds, I'm gonna close my eyes for 30 seconds, or be quiet with myself for 30 seconds, because that's all I can handle. And then next time, I'll make it a minute, next time, two minutes, three minutes. So, you know, don't be afraid if what you really need is like, all I'm going to do is take five breaths in my car, before I go into my house, that is a great way to practice kind of slowing down and being able to relax more and be able to be more focused.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Yeah, yeah. And we often feel guilty when we do that. Like, like, you know, we don't deserve to take five breaths in the car, we have to get out and get those groceries right away. So that's, that's a hard thing.

Dr Whitney Casares:

Yeah, absolutely. And that's actually the third thing, right? So a lot of times when we feel guilty for taking some extra time for ourselves, even five minutes, I mean, think about poorly, right? That's a totally common statement that I hear too. And also, when you think about that, logically, that's ridiculous. If our kids said, if our partner said, I need, you know, I can't take like five minutes to myself to relax to be like that. Humans cannot run without taking five minutes to relax, right? So we don't need to be the supermoms. But part of that, that strategy is about setting boundaries. And one of the most important boundaries to me and the hardest for people I think to kind of take on as moms and to hold is a self-boundary. A self-boundary that's healthy means you're not taking the temperature of other people more than you're taking your own temperature. You're not thinking about other people's needs, even more than you're thinking of your own. So being able to kind of put yourself on that even playing field with everybody else's needs to say like, yes, my kids need to eat but also if I don't eat something right now I'm going to faint, or I'm going to be angry, or I'm going to blow up with everybody you know,

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Hangry Mama is not good.

Dr Whitney Casares:

Because it always comes out somewhere like, that's the thing I'm always reminding moms is that you can deprive yourself forever and ever and ever. And I totally understand that. And there's so many things in society that make it so that we're conditioned to do that, and that we're in that place. But in the end, it's going to come out somewhere, it's going to come out in you being more angry, it's going to come out in a migraine, it's going to come out in depression and anxiety, like, there's that book, you know, the body remembers, it's like, the body keeps score, it gets stored either emotionally or physically. And then it usually comes out unfortunately, like the worst possible time, you know, you break down and you can't go to an important meeting or can't go to your kids performance or whatever.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Yeah, yeah, I've had a few of those moments, actually today. Right now. Yeah. So why do you think we don't have to get too deep into this? But I'm just curious, why do you think that moms have this problem? It seems like more than dads.

Dr Whitney Casares:

Yeah. Okay. So, a couple reasons. Yeah. Number one, think about the fact that for generations, I mean, like centuries eons that women have been carrying the load of childcare, they have been subservient to men, they haven't been on the same playing field. So we have so much tradition of inequity for moms where we've been taught, basically, I'm not supposed to take up as much space as anybody else. My job is to be a caregiver and a servant. So that's number one. Number two is this idea that we're taught to be pleasing as little girls, that like a good girls always polite, that we follow directions, that we're always kind of helping everybody else that we don't like, stick up too much. And unfortunately, that means that once we get into relationships with men in particular, it makes it hard for us sometimes to stand our ground and to say, Listen, it deserves to be equal. The next thing is, you know, women have not been in the workplace that long in the same capacity that they have recently been in. So we're in a totally new era, where, you know, women are in CEO positions in the C suite, they're running their businesses like I am, and just like, one generation ago, you know, my in laws, my parents, my dad wasn't changing diapers in the same way that my husband is, and or was, you know, when my kids were little, and so just have to remember, I think that these things take time, and that they take accountability. So thank goodness, there's so much more new information that's come out about the mental load that women are starting to say, like, hey, this isn't fair. I'm doing work at work, and also at home. But just being aware of that, and having our partner aware of it isn't going to solve the problem. It has to be that we're constantly talking about it that when we're with other couples that we're talking about, like, Okay, how do you share things? Oh, so takes the kids to school? Oh, do you do that? You know, I mean, I think in my household, honestly, we've invested in couples therapy, I mean, just to try to kind of get at reality checking, who's doing what, and why and how it makes everybody feel when the woman is the one in the household who's taking on every single thing and feeling resentful part to be like, in a, like couples like romantic relationship, when you're feeling kind of like you're getting the really short end of the stick, you know,

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Definitely, it's very hard to be romantic. If you feel resentful. Sometimes. I realized that it feels like we're doing it all sometimes. And it helps me to think a little bit about the things that actually my partner is doing that I don't even think about. You know, like, I could care less whether the oil in the car gets changed. And I know that's like, stereotypical, but that's like his department. And he does that. And I have to sometimes remind myself that when I'm mad, because I'm the one that always does the laundry or whatever, right? Yeah. So kind of reminding myself to that. It's, in a way I think we're feeling a lot overloaded. And it's sort of that all or nothing thinking of like, we just make it so big, you know?

Dr Whitney Casares:

Yeah, totally. That's all so that's the fourth strategy really just like sharing the load with other people. The other thing that I would say is, you know, your partner is not the end all be all for every single thing. Yes, you live in a household with your partner. But if you have kids, you know, and they're old enough I mean even kids, pediatrician hat on, even kids as young as two, can do chores, right? So getting your kids to help that really is great if you have a neighbor that you can swap, you know, tasks with I'm not trying to let men off the hook but I am saying Like, you know, if you're in a relationship with a man, it might not be that he's able to meet all your needs, or that's gonna happen overnight. So what can you do in the meantime, you know, not everyone can hire like hired help, you know, to do laundry or to do grocery shopping for you. But for example, for me, sometimes as a CEO of a company, if I could make hundreds of dollars in an hour, and I could pay someone$15 to go get the groceries, that does make sense actually, like financially for them to do that in certain seasons. Now, that hasn't always been the case. And I want to be sensitive to lots of different people out there. There's been times where I've eaten lunch at Costco, three, three meals a day, til I get by, you know, so it's all good. But if you're like, like leaning into something career wise, and you need extra help from other people, I think that's a big thing for women is that we start to feel kind of guilty. If we're paying someone else to do like, quote, unquote, our job, where I really, if there's like two working people in the household, make sense that you might need that third person to help you out with some of the chores?

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Yeah, I mean, it takes more than a village it takes takes a lot of people to care for a child. Dr. Whitney is going to give away a signed copy of the book to somebody who leaves a comment or ask your question. So go ahead and do that. We have a few more minutes. Um, so my problem and problem lots of people here, I think sometimes it's annoying. What is enough? Like what is enough to do? Right? Yeah, how? How do we get to the crux of like, what are the things we should be doing? And when we can be like, Okay, I've got enough on my plate. How do you do that?

Dr Whitney Casares:

Yeah, absolutely. Well, okay, so good question. Question. Right? My husband yesterday, he goes, You know, I think you need a hobby? I don't think so, I have plenty of stuff that I do. I don't need a hobby. But the way I figure out what I want to spend my time my energy on, and that's how I coach other women, you and in the book, we talked about it, here's a little post, oh, here we go postcard and how it looks, is to figure out what are the top five things that are a combination of things that give you a lot of energy that are kind of energy drivers versus energy drainers. Last that meet your values. And we walk through in great detail exactly how to figure this out. So it sounds more complicated than it is. But it's really not how to basically just define what are the five areas that if someone said, Hey, you have a week, you could do whatever you want with this time? Where would you spend your time, your energy, your focus. And so I really help people to define those things. First, I call them the center points and your center region. And that outside of that is where you place all this other junk that has to get done, the dishes don't live in the middle of my centered vision, I don't care one thing about this they have to get done, but I'm not gonna spend all day making sure that they're perfectly aligned in my cabinet. Right? I do care a ton about contributing to other women. So when there's a request on my time to do that, for example, right now, I'm almost always going to say yes, because that's in full alignment with my values and things that I love to do. And that makes me feel really good. I'm almost always going to say yes to really deep connections with my kids. That doesn't mean that I'm going to spend every waking moment with them. Because me spending 24/7 with them, it's not great. I mean, I'm gonna invest in those moments that feel like we're reading together. We're cuddling on a couch. We're really like, I'm listening to them, those times where we feel like, okay, they're asking for my attention because they're having a problem with a friend. So that's how I help people to define kind of like, what are the things that you feel are really meaningful in your life? How do we get more of you to those things?

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Yes, yes. And as trite as it sounds, I like to think of the deathbed, on your deathbed. Are you going to care that the dishes were always done? Are you going to care that you spent that quality time? Yeah, and, you know, we're not here as experts. We're having this conversation because we're trying to figure it out, too. And Dr. Whitney is further along in that than I am for sure. Um, but tell everybody where they can find out more about you and your work and

Dr Whitney Casares:

Okay, so my website, it's called Modern mommy doc. We have a weekly blog that goes out. There's a weekly podcast or bi weekly podcast that goes out. So I have lots of cool guests that come on there. I have three books. One is about newborns. One is about working moms with the American Academy of Pediatrics, and then this new book that's coming out Doing it ALL. It's out on January 30. It's available wherever books are sold. If you go on my website before January 30, the day that it comes out, you can actually get a free one hour consultation with me so to help you feeling stuck, and you get free access to our app, which has over 100 hours of video library content, audio visual stuff that you put together on navigating kids emotions, getting a parenting partner on board like a husband or you know, partner if you have one, how to help in terms of getting yourself all that self care that you really need. So lots of bonuses right now they're happening just as the book is about to come out. Well,

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

that's cool. I mean, for the hour consultation alone, you ought to get the book

Dr Whitney Casares:

It's on audiobook and regular. So if you're a busy person, and you're driving or commuting, that's a good way to do it too.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Right. Definitely don't read and drive.

Dr Whitney Casares:

No.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Thank you so much for talking with me and for sharing some of this. Hopefully, you have given people a little bit of a glimmer into how we can stop doing it all. Let's feel okay about it. And you guys go get the book. It's a really good book. You're gonna want it. Thank you so much.

Dr Whitney Casares:

Thank you. Take care.

Jennifer Weedon Palazzo:

Take care. Okay. Well now.